Posted September 3, 2010
Newsies was one of those flicks that I would have never seen unless I had little sisters (little shout out to Brooke and Erica) and even though it was a musical I really liked it. Now, I’m not talking a “Footloose” style musical, I’m talking a real musical with dance numbers and the cast members singing and shit. The main character in this wonderful Disney musical, is a young man named “Cowboy” Jack Kelly and for some unknown reason, he is stuck in my head as being a real badass little homeless kid.
Jack Kelly (as played by Christian Bale) was a newsie, one of them kids from the olden days that that sold papers on the streets. Come on everyone knows about them kids yelling “EXTRA EXTRA BERNIE CAUGHT MASTURBATING TO iCARLY!”. Well anyway, him and his newsie crew are barely scrapping by working for the one and only Joseph Pulitzer (Robert Duvall) who decides to start charging the newises more for there “papes” to recoup some of the money is thinks he is losing.
Jack and his new brainy friend (whose name escapes me and I don’t care cause I really didn’t like him anyway) decide to go on strike in an attempt to stick it to the man. I love it when kids and poor people stick it to the man! Eventually a newspaper reporter Bryan Denton (who name I do remember and he was played by Bill Pullman) decides to cover the strike and get the whole thing a little heat.
Listen guys, this movie is pretty long so long story short, Jack is in and out of kid jail and Denton gets fucked but decides to fight back anyway. They make there own newspaper and they win! HOORAY! There is tons of pretty cool singing and dancing (if your into that thing… hey you the fuck are you calling gay ya big homo!?) and Christian Bale is always really good. So, Cowboy Jack, thanks for sticking it to the man, cause the man always needs sticking!
Posted September 2, 2010
Nothing really sticks in your craw like being told you’re not good enough. I often times feel like I forged my character and personality in the flames of rejection. You get wicked used to it after a while, nothing like being dumped or being picked last for some dumb game or not getting into some college or high school. Who the fuck is some broad to tell me that I’m lazy or that my breath stinks? Who is some dickhead kid to tell me I can’t get my fat ass out of the way of a dodgeball? Who is that admissions nerd to tell me that I am not smart enough to study English, which is a language I am fluent in, at some shitty college?
Well turns out all those people make the decisions and you and I just kind of have to deal with it for a while. You know what you can do? Cut yourself and write bad poetry beneath your black light while listening to The Cure. Yeah you could do that, but I prefer to have wicked elaborate sexual fantasies about the girls who don’t like me and after I’m done making a paper towel moist with my love juice I pretend that I dump them and make them cry. Yup I do. I was never much into sports so I just kind of don’t care about that, I mean old age takes care of athletes for you. What about those admissions people? Well you obviously have to start a blog and tell them in not so many words to suck you stinky ass bung hole! YEAH EAT THAT PENCIL PUSHERS!
Ok what the fuck am I talking about? I have no idea, I was dwelling on sucking and this shit comes to mind. I don’t always think this shit out ahead of time damn it. Don’t look at me like that! Ah fuck it. The lesson is this, rejection only sucks if you let it. Yeah yeah yeah, isn’t this mushy and tender and “Oprah-esque”? Yeah I suppose it is, but life can’t be all dick and fart jokes! Oh wait yes it fucking can baby! Hell, I just left a good old fashioned skid mark in my undies. Man if only my ex girlfriends could see me now!
Posted September 2, 2010
Well does it?! Be honest damn it! A brutal truth is so much funnier than a sweet lie!
Loading ...
Posted September 1, 2010
I don’t really know if this is a normal thing or not but lately, meaning the last six months, there has been a good fucking tea spoon of blood on my toilet paper. I went to the doctors and got checked out and everything and I don’t have any kind of internal bleeding it’s just my tiny asshole breaking between the strain of massive bowl movements and a steady diet of the runs to dry out the old o ring.
Why am I sharing this little bit of grossness? I really have no idea, I’m just shooting from the hip here and I often times think gross is funny. The thing that sucks is that I am one of those guys who used to love taking a hearty dump but the thought of breaking my ass and filling the bowl with the life giving fluid in my veins takes some of the joy out of one of life’s simple pleasures.
I used to think getting your rear fingered by a doctor was unpleasant but you know what? If your doctor is nice, he will go slow and ease it in like a gentlemen with a little bit of lube for ya. Just relax and let it slide in, it will beak champ.
Posted in Bloody poop
|
Tagged Bloody poop
|
Posted September 1, 2010
I don’t know if many of you guys and gals out there remember a time when Playboy was synonymous with happy little boys but I do. I can remember getting my hands on one single solitary issue and cherishing it like it was the Holy Grail, like as long as I had this magazine an east enjoyable orgasm was always a possibility. Those times are long gone now and I’m pretty sure I hate everything that Playboy stands for.
- I could not beat off to Playboy if you paid me and a dwarf was tickling my asshole. Who wants to look at a few glossy pictures of air brushed blondes with fake boobs while reading about her fucking interests. Fuck that shit, my porn has to have an edge. I want to see that cesarean scar, some stretch marks, and maybe even a pimple. Let me know that this bitch is real and has kids to feed and cries herself to sleep at night at the thought of little boys cumming on her picture. She probably should have stayed in law school.
- It’s all articles on stupid shit like George Clooney’s new movie or advertisements for watches I can’t afford. I guess it’s a gentlemen’s magazine or something but I’m no gentleman damn it. I want to look at naked chicks and stroke myself until I climax into a tissue, not fantasize about driving a Ferrari.
- Hugh Hefner is not cool. He’s an old fart in a robe and he is no longer relevant. Shut up and take a nap… forever!
- That stupid bunny symbol is not the universal symbol for slutbags from Revere, MA. Fucking yuck! Everytime I see one on a t shirt, a car window or an air freshener I wonder who made this wonderful marketing decision. I thought the damn thing was supposed to be classy, not some kind of stamp that chicks wear to let men know that they are open for fucking business.
—————————- End
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Posted August 30, 2010
Listen I am not a political guy really. I have my views and I try not to share them with as many people who don’t ask as possible. I mean if you read this site you can tell I’m a fucking liberal. This whole thing is a tribute to masturbation and thoughts on nothing and my lack of reverence for pretty much any subject at all puts me right on the left. Who gives a shit? I support everyone’s right to be anyone or anything they want. If you want to suck dick, eat ass or scissor fight with your softball playing girlfriend it’s your business just pay your fucking taxes and don’t be Mexican! Oh I kid you don’t have to pay all your taxes that shit is a rip off!
The one thing I do not support anyone’s right to be is Glenn Beck. Why you ask? I think the fact that uses the Big Man upstairs to push his agenda is poison. I might not go to church anymore but that doesn’t mean I like my political pundits to use the name of the Almighty to make me vote for Sarah “I read on a second grade level” Palin. I just find it in bad taste to rally people to a historic american place using faith as a twinkie on a stick. Plus I don’t know about you but I have enough faith in God to not talk to Glenn Beck. I know he would talk to me because I know my shit! Plus he’s Mormon. We all know God doesn’t talk to Mormons or Mexicans or Mexican Mormons.
You know what though, I don’t know shit and I fully respect your right as an american to vote conservative and be a republican and do that stuff just like I expect you to support me in being a wicked liberal chronic masturbator who reads sci-fi. Do me a favor be who you are and want to be not who Glenn Beck wants you to be, he’s just weird.
This brief almost political statement will self destruct in 30 seconds… beep beep beep
PS Sorry Mexico you’re alright by me to
Posted August 30, 2010
It’s rare I ever receive emails here at BernieButtons.com but I have been receiving a few and I wanted to take a second and say I’m sorry for the lack of videos. Videos just take longer to make on the whole and it’s time I haven’t had. I love you pushy pricks for sending your emails though and welcome more bashing and prodding in the future. Don’t hold back I love getting whipped, it makes me hard.
Posted August 27, 2010
Everyone should be a John Carpenter fan. As I walk through this existence on this here planet earth I have realized that there is simply not enough people who appreciate the work of this great director. As you may have guessed this week’s hero comes from the John Carpenter classic “They Live”. This week it is the one and only, Nada as played by “Rowdy” Roddy Piper that gets the call baby.
Nada is a man who has fallen on hard times. All he has is his tools, his flannel and his mullet to keep him company. He’s just a regular dude trying to make it through one day at a time, that is until he finds a pair of sunglasses that allow him to see that ALIENS ARE CONTROLLING US THROUGH ADVERTISEMENTS! I know right, fucking cool. So with his classes in hand he runs into, Frank (Keith David) and tell them to give them a whirl. Frank won’t do it so what follows is a 6 minute slug fest of epic proportions!
Eventually Frank puts on the glasses, sees the truth and they become like Batman and Robin and try and shut down the alien operation on earth. The flick is pretty fun. It’s slowly paced like most Carpenter flicks but I love that kind of thing. Piper and David really help to make the movie work because they are pretty much on screen all the time toward the end. This is one of those movies I wish more people have seen but tend to change the channel when it’s on TNT on a sunday afternoon. We should all be very thankful for They Live, for without it we wouldn’t have this most memorable quote…
“I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass… and I am all out of bubblegum.” – Nada
Posted August 26, 2010
George Michael is a personal hero of mine. Sure I don’t talk about it much because who the fuck even talks about George Michael anymore? You might be assuming that he is awesome because the song “Faith” is simply a take no prisoners super awesome pop song that will never die and always make your feet move? Well yes thats true but that’s not what I’m thinking about.
Spoiler Alert: George Michael is gay. I know it blows my mind to. Hell when I was a young lad watching that Faith video I just assumed he was cock deep in pussy all the time. Turns out he had no interest in the vagina, turns out he is into cock all the way. Now I got no beef with the homosexual community in fact this is part of why George Michael is awesome. Now this happened along time ago now but do you remember when he got bagged sucking dick or some shit in a public bathroom in California? Well that’s fucking awesome! He’s a famous handsome dude picking up stray penis in a bathroom! That is a man who needs a hot steamy beef injection on the regular and he ain’t ashamed baby.
See if I was gay I think I would probably be that kind of super gay. I mean cock is cock and I know dudes, they are just giving that shit away so why not take and maybe even give it once in a while if that’s what you’re into to. Hell, imagine if there was just some random shithouse where chicks were giving out pussy and blowjobs, you know that joint would have a line out the door and all the way down to fucking Kentucky.
What no one cares about George Michael anymore? Fuck you! Try appreciate what I’m doing over here!
Posted August 26, 2010
A sex robot that converts semen to energy! Yup that’s it. Think of it, some semi feminine looking robot will be given to every town and several to larger cities and they will come to your house and suck and or fuck you so you can deposit your man chowder inside of them. These robots then take your cumsies and turn it into electricity and deposot into some kind of multi use battery so you can power your gay hybrid cars and watch your fancy flat screen TV’s.
Look I don’t really know math or science so I don’t know how something like this would actually work. I’m an idea man, I come up with fucking genius ideas and some brainy dudes figure out the equations and alloys and shit. Plus you may be thinking… “but Bernie who the fuck would want to fuck a metal robot until you climax?”. Well the simple answer to that is, me. With that out of the way, maybe the robot has some fake looking rubber skin or some shit and it will say wicked dirty things to you so when your penis is inside of it you can close your eyes and picture a filthy whore.
The robot should say things like
1. Oh your dick is so big I don’t know if it will fit.
2. You like pussy baby?
3. You are so sexy, do you work out?
4. I can’t believe you’re not a movie star now fuck my ass.
5. Do you like when I touch myself?
You get the idea and then you will be able to hook your laptop/ipad/cell phone up to this robot energy creating whore thingy and program it to use your name! Yup I’m crazy smart! I bet you can’t wait huh, I know I can’t! HIPPIES REJOICE!
